Apple are set to announce a significant leap forward in their tablet technology today, after reports emerged that the iPad 3 will save owners minutes in lost productivity by shipping pre-coated in copious amounts of fan-boy ejaculate.
The move arrives after many owners of the iPad 2 claimed to it took them several minutes to achieve tumescence, and sometimes longer to reach the point of orgasm after being handed their now obsolete devices.
An Apple insider said, “Today is an historic day. No more will Apple fans be left to thumb out a stiffy in order to make the most of their new Apple products – we’ve literally boxed that excitement for them.”
“The iPad 3 is the future for self-pleasuring technology fans. From this point forward Apple owners will be able to leap straight to the part where you feel a bit dirty and wonder if it was really worth the money.”
iPad 3 launched today
Critics of the move have claimed that if iPad 3 owners are not forced to go straight home and frantically knock one out, then they are simply going to begin their incessant offers of a demonstration of their new toy even sooner.
Friend of several Apple owners Simon Williams told us, “The one good thing about Apple releasing a new toy is the couple of days respite you get where the owners are busy fondling the device with one hand, and their genitals with the other.”
“But now I don’t even have that. The only break I’ll get is when they set up camp outside the store for a couple of days whilst I pray for an unfortunate mugging incident.”