Fox television host Lou Dobbs has railed against his own manhood, after discovering it leaned slightly to the left.
Dobbs is renowned for his ability to sniff out dangerous communist agenda, in propaganda films such as ‘Toy Story’ or ‘The Muppets’.
But while Dobbs has long cast a steely eye over the deviant film makers of Hollywood, he has now been undermined by what was right under his nose – a penis with socialist sympathies.
“There are certain institutions that you trust to support and promote the American Way”, declared Dobbs.
“The great American genital has always stood up for our way of life. But I’m ashamed to say I recently became aware of a ‘Red in the Bed’: Stalinists have infiltrated my Johnson.”
Loud Dobbs theory
Dobbs normally sleeps in republican pyjamas, which feature a corrective pocket to keep members safely right-leaning at all times.
But after his mexican housemaid maliciously placed his nightwear behind a left-hinged door in his bedroom, Dobbs was forced to sleep so nakedly it left him at risk of gay marriage.
“On waking, I was horrified to discover that I now ‘dress to the left'”, said Dobbs. “I’ve had to take emergency measures, using a rubber band and two strips of duct tape.”
Dobbs is warning others to keep an eye on their conservative organs, and phone the authorities if they have liberal or immoral thoughts.
“You might think this is alarmist nonsense”, declared Dobbs, “but the enemies of the state are everywhere. I for one won’t put up with a wavering penis. Join me, in promoting right dicks.”