Scottish Labour MP Eric Joyce is said to be looking forward to a huge increase in his Falkirk constituency majority, after allegations emerged that he had assaulted a Tory in the House of Commons bar.
Joyce’s supporters claimed that he could be the first MP to earn over 90% of the vote after his popular decision to drop the nut on Conservative MP Stuart Andrew.
Political analyst Simon Williams told us, “It’s an unwritten rule of politics in Scotland, if you want to win an election, you kiss babies and you punch Tories.”
“If he’s got a nice photo with his arms around a cute child to he might even have the political capital to run for PM.”
Eric Joyce arrested
Alcohol awareness campaigners have insisted that the incident is yet further proof of what can happen when you give a room full of pricks access to subsidised booze.
Spokesperson Geraldine Matthews told us, “It doesn’t matter what sort of reprobate is doing the drinking, whether they be a chav, football thug or elected official – the outcome is always the same.”
“Though if I’m honest, I’m sort of curious to know what sort of sound a Tory nose makes when presented with a fast-moving Scottish forehead.”