David Cameron will tackle the issue of poor people drowning their sorrows and then punching each other in the streets, by pricing them out of the popular British pastime.
Once ‘the sport of kings’, binge-drinking has been ruined in recent decades, by the sort of people that wouldn’t know a fine claret from a Jagerbomb.
Cameron hopes to reverse this trend, by driving the poorest violent alcoholics out of the market places, graveyards and bus shelters.
He told assembled reporters, “The CCTV footage will be familiar to everyone: unruly brawling, foul accents, not passing the port to the left. And I’ve noticed some of them appear to be wearing sportswear.”
There are hopes that the initiative could introduce a ‘café culture’ to the UK, which would add a veneer of sophistication to getting quietly pissed in the middle of the day.
“A bottle of pastis, a glass or two of chartreuse, then assault the barman for his impudence with your cane”, suggested Cameron.
“Let’s do this with a bit of class, shall we?”
By introducing a minimum prices alongside a minimum dress code for the sale of alcohol, Cameron hopes to encourage the sort of businesses back to the high street that are worth smashing to bits in a blurred rage with your school chums.
But money alone can’t ensure elitism, and Cameron is mindful of lottery winners and footballers. “You’ll need to pass a simple test when you pay a visit to your vintners or ginsmiths”, he explained.
“If you don’t come up to scratch after a few easy questions about ‘provenance’,’terroir’ and how to bottle an oaf, then I’m afraid you’ll only be allowed to leave with blue pop.”
Cameron believes that public drunkenness will soon be restored to glorious Edwardian standards, where once more the wealthy can beat off poor using horse whips.
But the PM also has plans to avoid driving budget binge-drinking into the hovels of paupers.
“We’ll just insist their butlers charge them corkage”, he announced.