Sunday 12 February 2012

Dalglish defends Luis Suarez’s post-match murderous rampage


Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish has leapt to the defence of striker Luis Suarez after the forward spent yesterday evening on a murderous rampage that left fourteen dead and dozens more wounded.

After their 2-1 defeat to rivals Manchester United, Liverpool’s Suarez was seen spraying crowds of Manchester fans with rounds from a semi-automatic weapon, before beating them with the gun itself once out of ammunition.

However Dalglish moved to defend his player, insisting footage only shows the incident from the most unflattering of angles, and that people aren’t aware of the other things that went on out of sight of the camera.

The Liverpool manager explained. “Yes, in the video he says, ‘I am going to shoot and kill as many people as I can’ – however you have to remember that the true meaning of this phrase has been lost in translation, and that in Uruguay this is a loving term of endearment.”

Suarez Rampage

Fans across the country have been left shocked by Dalglish’s inability to criticise his player for doing something that every other person on the planet deems to be so obviously wrong.

Dalglish went on, “You only brutally maim the ones you love – that’s a common saying in Uruguay, everyone knows that.”

“If we’re going to criticise him for a little cultural difference like murdering the people trying to run away from you, then I would say that you’re the racist.”

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