Liverpool, unable to offload misfiring striker Andy Carroll in the January transfer window, have replaced him with an old fridge-freezer.
Manager Kenny Dalglish unveiled the new signing at Liverpool’s Melwood training ground, declaring, “The old fridge-freezer is just as tall as Carroll, and also just as mobile. Plus it won’t get caught offside as often.”
Carroll, who has scored just three league goals in 21 appearances this season, has failed to fit in on Merseyside.
Dalglish continued: “Despite a show of public support, behind the scenes we were trying desperately to get rid of Carroll in January – everything from a swap with Carlos Tevez to selling him back to Newcastle for half what we bought him for. Which is still about six times what he’s worth. Not even Chelsea would take him, and they bought Torres off us.”
“We even tried to get the council to come and take him away. When they said they only took domestic appliances we remembered this old fridge-freezer that Ian Rush used to keep his milk in.”
Dalglish expects the appliance to strike up a fruitful partnership with Luis Suárez when he returns from his ban.
“Suárez is going to love the greater sense of movement the old fridge-freezer gives to the team, and its first touch is second to none. Well, better than Carroll’s anyway. And it’s white of course.”
And what now for Carroll?
“We’ll probably just dump him down the canal.”