The historic hair college of Bletchley will stop teaching students how to cut hair from next term, to focus more strongly on their performance in league tables.
Instead of educating young hopeful stylists in the ways of making hair shorter, straighter, curlier or more brown, professors at the establishment will now teach GCSE Art and General Studies.
“It’s a sad day for the college”, admitted Howard Stanley, director of the institution that can trace its history back to the mid ’50s.
“We thought it was important to give vocational training to youngsters, so they became competent in a trade”, said Stanley.
“We now realise we should be teaching them the stuff they’re crap at, so they can be sneered at when they fail.”
Stanley believes league tables are the key to successfully writing off young people before they turn up in Year One.
“Children should know their place”, explained Stanley. “It’s true we’ve lost the odd genius from the craft since we dropped down the league, but I’m still not sure I’d go to Eton for a haircut.”
Education Secretary Michael Gove explained why the changes are so important. “Many a youth has applied to Oxbridge to study pure maths or Chemistry, only to find their HNC in Chirpy Banter isn’t recognised by the board as a proper qualification.”
“We need to stop giving false hope to poor people that their offspring can compete directly with ours. If we don’t, who’s going to tend to our children’s hair in the future?”
Hairdressing isn’t the only subject to be dropped from league tables. ‘Knowing About Horses’, ‘Car Park Husbandry’ and ‘Cap Doffery’ are also in the minister’s sights.
Some customers have condemned the move, amongst them Jim Harpur. He needed hospital treatment after a GCSE’d youth gave him a short-back-and-sides.
“I can’t believe they fired Mandy, she was adequately qualified for this job”, exclaimed Harpur.
“Only a professional hairdresser can give you a feather cut, while they rub your neck with their tits.”