Friday 27 January 2012 by Waylandsmithy

‘Olympic village’ in turmoil as residents moan about state of each other’s gardens


Police attended a disturbance at the ‘Olympic village’ last night, after a row broke out over the state of one athlete’s hedge.

With just 6 months to go, the highly competitive residents have turned their attention away from running, jumping and avoiding urine tests, focusing instead on the prestigious ‘best kept village’ award.

“This is very much a team event”, explained Janet Camber, a former shot-putt hopeful who is now the World Number Two on the state of her neighbour’s guttering.

“If anyone in this competition needs a bit of motivation to keep up with the Joneses, I’m sure we’ll decide together to dob them in to the council.”

“We may not be good at running, swimming, football, diving, hockey, gymnastics, athletics, archery or wiff-waff, but by god, can we kick up a fuss about litter.”

Olympic village turmoil

But some of the older residents have complained that newcomers don’t really understand village life. “I remember when this was all council estates”, complained Dwayne Philips.

“There was a real community spirit when we gathered around to burn an old Corsa or an unwanted bus stop.”

“These days you can’t even set fire to your own wheelie bin, without someone reporting you to the residents association.”

Camber is hopeful of at least a Silver Gilt, if she can just push through some planning changes in time for the big event.

“We’re hoping to put up fences around the less desirable properties, to block the view when the judges are here.”

“It’s not so much the taking part that’s important, it’s making sure the riff-raff can’t watch.”

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