Thursday 26 January 2012 by Spacey

Feel good stories at the end of the news to be replaced with dead paedophiles


After the nation’s spirits were lifted by the news that convicted paedophile Martin Smith has been found hanged in his cell, news broadcasters are considering replacing the lighthearted item at the end of the news with details of any incidents involving dead sex offenders.

It had previously been thought that a story about a dog adopting some kittens or a squirrel on water skis would give viewers a warm feeling inside, but new evidence suggests that nothing buoys the public more than a convicted paedophile getting glassed in the face by a fellow inmate.

“The kitten thing is pretty cute,” admitted 37 year old Emma Chivers.

“But if anything is guaranteed to send me to bed with a smile on my face then it’s the news that some nonce has been taken out.”

Dead Paedophiles

A BBC spokesperson confirmed that the change to the ‘And Finally’ segment of the news will feature upbeat stories of paedo pain, but could also feature other stories to put a smile on the UK’s vengeful face.

“We’ve got some great archive footage of an SS officer hilariously falling into a mass grave during World War II,” he laughed.

“When he falls in, his gun goes off and blows his brains out.”

“I’ve watched it about 20 times and it gets funnier with each viewing.”

And finally, a dog that attacked a bus full of schoolchildren has been kicked to death by an angry priest.

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