Wednesday 25 January 2012 by Gary Stanton

Hustler adult flicks to feature judgemental cloaked figure with scythe


Future sex films produced by Californian jizz-enthusiasts Hustler are to feature a mysterious hooded character who bears a striking resemblance to Death, it has emerged.

The move follows rumours that many porn ‘actors’ are refusing to take reliable precautions against HIV transmission on set such as ‘rubbering up’ or pulling out quickly and catching it in a handkerchief.

Mr Death, however, will refrain from taking part in any hardcore action and will merely interrupt scenes in which actors are engaged in high-risk activity like ‘potholing’ or ‘seagulling’ by shaking his head from side to side and pointing his bony finger.

Death will then encourage copulating stars to take a considered pause during which he will encourage them to mend their ways or face the inevitable consequences of their actions.

Hustler HIV scare

Larry Flynt, who launched Hustler magazine in 1974, has said in the past that audiences don’t want to watch porn in which actors are terrorised by a being who resembles something from their worst nightmares while they attempt to spoff one out.

But Flint has since bowed to pressure from the Californian Health & Safety watchdog and has agreed to change the company logo to a tombstone.

Recognising the need for change, Flint said, “Although all of our actors take regular HIV tests , Death will be carrying out regular on set checks to ensure the rules aren’t breached.”

“He’ll then pass around a prophylactics and leaflets offering advice on sexual health matters . You can always fast forward past that bit.”

Last night bongo film fan Martin Dobson was far from impressed, “I was quietly masturbating to a scene from Down On Abbey when this Death guy walks on, taps his scythe and accuses the lead actor of swirling around in a human cesspool of his own making.”

“I thought that was a bit strong.”

But porn star Larry Fist gave Death his wholehearted backing, saying, “Sure, he’s a great guy to work with – a real professional”

“In one scene we even have him delivering a pizza – a double salami with extra cheese.”

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