David Cameron has single-handedly renewed support for capitalism, by rebranding the economic model as ‘popular capitalism’.
According to marketing experts, capitalism has been suffering from an image crisis lately. While some ABC1s have remained loyal to the institution, a growing number of young people have been shopping around.
“Capitalism isn’t perfect”, admitted Cameron, “but ‘perfect capitalism’ is. That’s the model that’s in development, but we’re taking it one step at a time. For now, we’d like you to buy into the upgraded ‘popular’ model.”
Consumers have sometimes criticised capitalism in the past for being a just a little too focused on cost, and occasionally coming across as aloof.
“I’m generally in favour”, admitted loyal shopper Margaret Fallow, “but I sometimes wonder if the people that run it really do care about me as much as the adverts say.”
“I think I’m supposed to oppose all that ‘crushing exploitation of the world’s poorest nations’. But I’m worried that it might push up prices too much.”
Cameron wants the owners of capitalism to stop paying themselves six-figure bonuses for turning up to work, leaving the bathroom as they’d like to find it or wearing a smart tie.
“Popular capitalism will address these little irritations”, claimed the prime minister, “We’re changing the name of ‘bonus payments’ to ‘fiscal burdens’.”
Opponents to the scheme claimed the rebrand has little substance. “You can’t just change the name of something that’s broken and expect it to work properly”, stated the recently relaunched Labour Leader, Effective Miliband.