Thursday 12 January 2012 by Spacey

Research into Andy Carroll’s first touch to be used for satellite launches, confirms space agency


Research into the effectiveness of Andy Carroll’s first touch has led the European Space agency to enquire about his availability for upcoming satellite launches.

The Liverpool striker’s close control has come under intense scrutiny in recent months, and despite it being described by some pundits as neither ‘close’ or ‘in control’, researchers at the European Space Agency insist it could prove invaluable in improving the efficiency of launching expensive technology into orbit.

European Space Agency Director General Jean-Jacques Dordain, revealed that Carroll’s ability to propel a football vast distances away from his body with what appears to be minimal effort could herald an exciting new era in space technology.

“We will be contacting Liverpool to enquire about Andy Carroll’s availability, in the hope that we can carry out further tests based on our observations of his performances in recent games,” he told us.

Carroll to launch satellites

Mr Dordain also revealed that the tests will be carried out in a natural environment that will allow Carroll to feel totally relaxed.

“We have constructed a a mock-up of a Newcastle nightclub called the Blu Bambu club, and we will carry out the tests at around 3 O’clock in the morning,” he revealed.

Mr Dordain also went on to reveal the simplicity of the testing itself.

“We are hoping that if someone passes the satellite to Andy from somewhere over fifteen yards, we will be able to sit back and watch as it drifts upwards towards the stratosphere,” he said.

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: