Monday 9 January 2012 by Waylandsmithy

Drinkers demand MPs change ‘2 dry days a week’ advice to 3 mornings and a lunch


As millions of Britons struggle to come to terms with the first full week of work in 2012, many have asked insensitive MPs to redefine two days as three weekday mornings and lunchtime on Tuesday.

Following a tradition of releasing confusingly straightforward advice on how to booze, a parliamentary committee is now claiming that alcohol should be avoided completely for at least two days a week.

“This is typically woolly advice”, complained Terry Wilkes, from an industrial bin outside Londis. “They don’t even say which two days.”

Terry normally enjoys a steady drink from ‘Thirsty Thursday’ through to the ‘hill of the week’, and isn’t yet sure how to fit an extra two days into his schedule.

“In an age of flexible working, ‘home commuting’ and pubs with wi-fi, a rigid two day regime seems rather out of touch”, claimed Wilkes.

“I’ve written to my MP, demanding they change it to four mornings a week, or maybe eight breakfasts.”

“I’m a reasonable man”, said Wilkes, “unless I’ve been drinking cider, then I get a bit shouty. These are tough times and I’m prepared to compromise, I’ve offered to stop doing jagerbombs at bathtime.”

Government alcohol advice

Typically for a heavy drinker, Wilkes took some time to comprehend the advice, his surroundings and one of his shoes.

Fellow bin occupier Sandra Gregg was equally confused and matted in sick. “I thought they wanted us to stay on clear drinks for two days, but gin makes me a bit weepy”, she complained.

“And that vodka from the car boot sale makes my eyes stop working too much for me to drive safely.”

Sandra is sure the advice is well meaning, but thinks the dangers of alcohol are being overstated.

“I’m not sure it’s necessary to sober up completely twice a week, that’s just the nanny state talking”, said the part-time shop assistant.

“A lot of the time, the language they use is designed to scare you.”

“Besides, I only drink cocktails with light-hearted names, who’s ever been hospitalised by a Cheeky Vimto?”

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