Friday 6 January 2012 by Spacey

Liverpool to consider locking scouts in cupboard during transfer window


After Premier League giants Liverpool spunked millions of pounds up the wall on sub-standard players during previous transfer windows, the club are considering locking their network of scouts in a cupboard under the stairs until February 1st.

Having spent £309.5m on transfers over the last five years, concerns have grown amongst the club’s hierarchy that their scouting network’s criteria for identifying transfer targets consists of finding anyone that owns a pair of football boots and two partially functioning legs.

Reports suggesting that Kenny Dalglish was considering tabling a bid of £27m for Swindon Sunday League Division 5 side FS Swindon’s talismanic striker Charlie Knowles, has set alarm bells ringing in the club’s boardroom.

Knowles, who has scored an impressive 15 goals in 12 starts, including a brace in FS Swindon’s last outing against Save On Tyres Athletic, was surprised at the development.

“The gaffer pulled me to one side after training at St Joseph’s School, and told me that Liverpool were interested in signing me,” he revealed.

Liverpool review transfer policy

Knowles went on, “Obviously I didn’t believe him at first, but I spoke with Mr Dalglish on the phone and he said that I was just what he was looking for, which he revealed as being anyone who isn’t Andy Carroll.”

Kenny Dalglish has refuted claims that the club’s scouts having got a single clue between them by insisting that they study a vast amounts of DVDs to identify transfer targets.

“Our chief scout has watched Escape to Victory about twelve times and we’re looking at the possibility of signing Sylvester Stallone, and we think Michael Caine’s strong leadership skills will be an asset to the club,” he said.

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