Thursday 5 January 2012 by VCG

Met Office issues ‘do not drive in high winds’ advice to morons


As the British public once again prove that they are incapable of dealing with anything more than a bit of light rain, the Met Office have issued a severe weather warning advising car-owning morons to stay at home.

Unseasonably high temperatures mean that simpletons have not had to contend with attempting to slow down slightly to cope with ice and snow, but high winds and driving rain are causing major problems on Britain’s roads.

“I was tailgating at 95mph and my car was being blown about all over the place by the wind, I didn’t know what to do,” explained one moron, shortly after causing an accident which led to hours of delays on the M6.

“I tried speeding up, I tried driving closer to the car in front, I even tried switching my sidelights and foglights on, but nothing seemed to work. Then I was blown sideways while trying to undertake a police car and crashed into a lorry.”

Severe wind warning

The message from the Met Office, aimed primarily at BMW drivers, Audi drivers, and motorcyclists, warns that if you are the sort of person who attempts inappropriate overtaking manoeuvres in normal weather conditions, it would really be best for everybody if you stayed at home until the wind settles down a bit.

It is not just the roads that are being affected however, with supermarkets reporting that some slight damage to roofs and fences has sparked panic buying of random foodstuffs among the mentally-challenged.

“A panel blew out of my neighbour’s fence and a friend said that he heard somebody had had a slate come off the roof, it’s all very worrying.” said another simpleton,

“So I went straight down to Tesco and bought 30kg of cheese.”

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