Monday 2 January 2012 by Spacey

2012 to contain exactly same shit as before


The 366 days that will make up 2012 will inevitably consist of the varying degrees of misery and disappointment that have shaped previous years, it has been confirmed.

Experts have revealed that although 2012 is still in its very early stages, the initial feelings of positivity that occur about 5 minutes before midnight on New Year’s Eve were quickly replaced by the same old shit.

“People tend to become optimistic for a few minutes either side of midnight,” revealed one expert in this sort of thing.

“However, as soon as all the party poppers have been set off, it doesn’t take long to realise that you’ve still got spiralling debt and your boss is still a wanker.”

Still shit

The realisation that everything is still shit has come as a shock to the millions of revellers who celebrated the arrival of the new year.

44 year-old Graham Jervis revealed his disappointment with the lack of change in his circumstances despite partaking in a conga during the previous night’s celebrations.

“It’s a con,” he fumed. “I’ve still not got a job, my wife’s still left me, and I still don’t see my kids.”

“I’ve had it with all this blind optimism.”

32 year-old Christine McCormack also spoke of her frustration at everything still being shit.

“I remember saying as we counted down to midnight that I was glad the year was over.”

“I was hopeful that what had made me so very miserable in 2011 would miraculously disappear, but when I woke up in the morning my husband was still here.”

“What a waste of fireworks.”

David Cameron tried to offer a more upbeat outlook in his New Year message by insisting 2012 would be a year that would get Britain “up to strength”.

He also admitted there would be difficult times ahead that very few people would get any benefit from.

“This year will see the Olympics and the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee,” he warned.

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