Friday 23 December 2011 by Spacey

Sales of ‘any old shit’ expected to treble as men start Christmas shopping


The sale of presents being purchased using no thought or imagination is expected to see a huge increase today as men suddenly start to realise it’s Christmas.

The sight of exasperated men staring blankly at kettles and uttering the words “Christ, it’s just going to have to bloody well do” are commonplace at this time of year, but with figures from previous years suggesting that 80% of men leave their Christmas shopping until the very last minute, retailers are predicting bumper sales of all the crap they can’t normally shift.

“The queues at checkouts at this time of year are predominantly made up of men carry an array of monstrosities that are likely to leave their wives and girlfriends hugely disappointed,” revealed Stephen Robertson of the British Retail Consortium.

“Retailers have been working hard to encourage men into their stores by piling up all the items that make women angry, and placing them in a section called ‘Gifts She’ll Love!

“They’ll be hoping that heavy discounts combined with mens’ overall stupidity could see a late surge in sales that will surpass previous years,” he added.

Christmas shopping

32-year-old Gavin Henderson from Gillingham was one of millions of men heading towards the High Street to buy lots of anything that’s still left over.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,” he told us as we stopped him on his way out of the nearest shopping centre.

“Do you think she’ll like this Complete RoboCop Dvd Box set? It’s got the director’s commentary as a bonus feature.

“Christ, it’s just going to have to bloody well do.”

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