Julian Assange has defended the release of a top-secret ‘naughty list’ on Wikileaks, insisting the contents are in the public interest.
Assange claims the list of names is one-half of a master document with details on most of the earth’s population, and originates from an eccentric recluse within the Arctic Circle.
The very existence of such a document raises serious concerns about data use in the private sector, particularly amongst the under-12s.
Speculation about the tin-whistle blower is rife. As a gaunt, elfin-like character with a shock of white hair and a grudge against authority, Julian Assange refused to be drawn on who gave him the list.
“The document came to us on a frost-damaged parchment, it’s hardly ‘present day’ technology”, claimed Assange.
“But whoever compiled it is a master of espionage. They know when you are sleeping, they know when you’re awake. And they have some strong opinions about whether you’ve been good or bad, based on outmoded ideals and capitalist dogma.”
The contents of the list have raised a few eyebrows. There are details of Occupy LSX campaigners who went home at night, and workers in the financial sector are named and shamed.
The CIA, Mossad, people who steal cables from railways and the entire population of Greece have also been pencilled in, along with most of the England rugby team.
The Murdochs top the list, Ricky Gervais is second and Silvio Berlusconi’s name appears no fewer than eight times. But so far, no mention of Bradley Manning has been discovered.
“The jury’s still out on him”, claimed Assange. “Not being classified as ‘naughty’ isn’t a guarantee that he’s been listed as nice, but it’s all a bit academic to Manning anyway.”
“There aren’t any chimneys in solitary confinement, and the guards have confiscated his stocking.”
Supporters of Wikileaks have been quick to act. Shadowy hackers ‘Anonymous’ have vowed to bring down the figure-head of the totalitarian regime at the heart of the list, if he doesn’t stray into North Korean airspace first.
As a spokesman for the group explained, “We think this list describes plans for a ‘denial of service’ attack, so we’re planning to combat it with a bit of ‘misinformation’.”
“By spreading a rumour that Santa only eats Heston Blumenthal’s new prune and fermented herring mince pies, we’re directly challenging his constitution. There’s a good chance he’ll be caught with his pants down.”