Wednesday 21 December 2011 by Waylandsmithy

Earth-sized planet discovered 0.0 light-years away


NASA has hailed the discovery of an ‘earth-sized’ planet orbiting a star 0.0 light-years away, and have suggested there is a ‘73% or greater’ chance it could support intelligent life.

The planet is located near the ‘Goldilocks zone’, a distance from a star thought to be ‘just right’ for sustaining organisms capable of discovering porridge.

But some scientists claim the planet is unlikely to offer conditions suitable for keeping humans happy for long.

“On the face of it, this planet almost looks viable”, explained climatologist Philip Malwey. “But if my data is correct, I’d say it’s very, very, very slightly too warm.”

Malwey also complained that the celestial body is very, very, very slightly too close to its star to match his ideal, and lacked a second moon.

“If I’m honest, what I’d really like to find is a desert world inhabited by droids, wizards and unicorns who know all the lyrics to Metallica.”

“It’s a big universe. I’m sure if we look hard enough, we’ll find a couple eventually.”

Earth-like planet discovered

Industrial nations are probing the planet to find out what it’s made of and how much it’s worth, while Angela Merkel has offered the people of quite-like-earth full membership of the EC.

“It’s unlikely they’ve developed far enough for most of the population to comprehend international fiscal policies or mutual trade agreements, which is why I’m confident they’ll love the Euro”, she announced.

But not all nations have embraced the discovery, and some see the massive body as a threat.

World leaders have formed a committee to consider how best to destroy the planet.

“It’s a complex situation, and we’re nowhere near reaching a consensus”, admitted a spokesman.

“We’re kind of hoping it will fail on its own, without us having to make any difficult decisions.”

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