Tuesday 20 December 2011 by Waylandsmithy

West Ham loses bid for Olympic stadium to Michael McIntyre


Evergreen comic Michael McIntyre has been named as the preferred bidder for the 2012 Olympic stadium, after fighting off fierce competition from West Ham football club, the 23rd Newnham Scout troop and a lady from Eastbourne with a lot of cats.

McIntyre is well-known for his sell-out comedy, and plans to perform to the packed stadium three times a week for the next five years.

“Michael is looking forward to taking ownership of this exciting new venue”, said Mcintyre’s agent, Jim Feltham.

“He’s particularly thrilled to be pioneering a ‘skipping track’ that surrounds the main stage.”

“It’s perfect for running backwards on, doing a funny walk or perhaps even miming opening a tin of peas. It should enable him to do some terrific observational stuff about household electrical goods, or the funny things poor people say in shops.”

Olympic stadium bid

While the award-winning comic is more than capable of filling the stadium, he has agreed to share the venue with some other comics.

“From August to October, we’re running a back-to-back series of two Ken Dodd performances, with an hour’s break every fortnight so the Red Cross can deliver food parcels”, explained Feltham.

“We’re also in advanced negotiations with James Corden, as we’ve offered to store all his unsold autobiographies in the basement.”

McIntyre believes the stadium will become a focal point for aspiring comics, once they’ve got used to the idea of performing to larger audiences.

“It’s a state-of-the-art facility, we can adapt it to a smaller crowd if necessary”, he explained.

“For instance, Stewart Lee has been trying out some brave, edgy comedy recently, he’s got some hilarious observations about Chris Moyles and Jeremy Clarkson being oafs.”

“He’s already had a critically-acclaimed run of four shows in the car park, playing to Guardian journalists in the back of an old transit van.”

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