Wednesday 14 December 2011 by Waylandsmithy

Gok Wan to judge final of Met Police ‘Rioting Most Wanted’


Scotland Yard has released a tantalising glimpse of the UK’s 213 ‘most wanted’ rioters, and is asking the public to phone in and judge them as part of Gok Wan’s new show ‘How to Look Good Castigated’.

The show trials are expected to reach their inevitable conclusions in the spring, but not until Gok Wan has offered them advice on how confidence can influence their prison-shower appearance.

Gok Wan has noticed that a lot of the finalists seem almost embarrassed to show their faces on CCTV, and thinks this points to some deep-rooted issues, which could be solved by shopping.

“Hoodies and beanies? No darling”, said Wan, “that’s a look that says ‘guilty’ before you’re even in the dock.”

Wan will offer the accused make-overs that highlight their best features, claiming ‘if you’ve recently looted, best get suited and booted’.”

“Like it or not, people judge you on how you dress”, explained the fashionista, “Sovereign rings and jewellery with your name on are just accessories to crime.”

“A smart suit makes you look reputable, like a banker or an insurance salesman. If you’re not wearing a tie, you’ll have to say bye…to your freedom.”

Gok Wan to judge rioters

While Gok Wan refuses to be drawn on the socio-political implications of civil unrest, he won’t shut up about the suspects’ crimes against fashion.

“A lot of teens suffer from shyness, which may explain why they cover their faces when they’re stealing stuff. But tying a Tesco’s carrier bag across your nose, then staring straight into the video camera? Trend-setter, you’re either brave, or stupid.”

A spokesman for Wan later confirmed that after some thought, he was sure the answer was ‘stupid’.

Wan hopes that by tackling rioters head-on and filming them naked in front of a mirror, he can challenge the public’s preconceptions about youth wear.

“I want people to see past the hoods and piles of looted property these guys are hiding behind, and think about what they might be wearing on the inside.”

“You want my opinion? Grey jumpsuits with all arrows on. A classic that really stands the tests of doing time.”

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