Tuesday 13 December 2011 by Waylandsmithy

John Lewis ‘overwhelmed’ by demand for heavily advertised Perfect Child™


John Lewis has urged shoppers to remain calm as they battle over this year’s heavily promoted ‘must-have’ Christmas gift, Perfect Child™, warning that stocks are running low and that the next shipment from China is not due until the New Year.

Perfect Child™ comes with an official range of Emotional Baggage™, including a popular ‘wizard’ outfit and a Victorian nightgown.

Perfect Child™ has been changing hands for up to £800, and some couples have even tried making their own.

Psychologists believe that Perfect Child™ appeals to parents because of a powerful blend of nostalgia and whimsy, but some shoppers openly admit that they only want one so they can show it off to their neighbours.

“I’ve got mine”, declared Milena Horsley, a soon-to-be mother of one from Hatfield.

“I haven’t wrapped him yet, I’ve hidden him in the airing cupboard. He keeps fiddling with the thermostat and turning it to 25, he can’t wait to bless me with his presents.”

“My sister’s going to be green with envy when she comes round on Christmas day, although it’s tempting to stick him on eBay for a grand.”

John Lewis child

Glenda Harrington of John Lewis customer services has asked shoppers to treat the new range with care.

“We didn’t know whether to sell these as domestic appliances, accessories, or to open a new department for mythical creatures”, admitted Harrington, “but they’ve certainly flown off the shelves.”

“My only concern is that our customers might expect too much from them, we think a lot of them could be spoilt by Boxing Day.”

Harrington has had a number returned already. “A woman brought one back after she caught it trying to wrap a diorama of the nativity. Her Perfect Child™ had made it from fir cones, cotton wool and glitter glue”, explained Harrington.

“She said she didn’t want ‘the gift that keeps on giving’ if it just churned out home-made crap. In the end we let her swap it for a Kath Kitson tea set.”

John Lewis is also reporting low stocks of Perfect Grandchild™, which stands to attention during the Queen’s speech and asks endless questions about the war.

“We’d like to apologise to customers who have missed out on our unrealistic role models, and for any confusion caused by our adverts. We didn’t expect anyone to take the spoof of a Ramsay Modest Chef™ seriously.”

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