Tuesday 13 December 2011 by Waylandsmithy

Everyone waiting impatiently for news about particle they don’t understand


As scientists prepare to announce their findings on the Higgs Boson particle, people across the country are surprisingly interested to hear what they have to say.

Despite being very, very small and extremely confusing, the Higgs Boson is well-known in most households. The tiny object has had more column inches than a Scottish panda, but only a handful of journalists are prepared to admit that they have absolutely no clue what it is, or what it’s for.

“I’ve heard them call it ‘The God Particle’, explained Damien Granger, a science correspondent in Bath, ‘presumably that’s because no-one’s sure if it exists or not.”

“But I know that this is a breakthrough moment, a discovery of our time, a dawning of a new age that will expand our horizons. And a great reason to keep flying me out to Geneva, and nod when the clever men say stuff.”

Higgs Boson found

Granger claims he’s ‘pretty much got his head around’ the idea that some things are smaller than atoms, which are themselves pretty tiny.

But when asked to hand in yet another report on the hypothetical sub-atomic particle, Granger found that even the description on Wikipedia was way beyond his understanding.

“There are other bosons? Christ”, wept Granger. “What’s ‘electroweak symmetry’? Are they just making this up?”

But Granger hasn’t given in, and plans to cover his ignorance by resorting to clichés about human endeavour, and a joke that the particle’s influence on mass must prove it’s a catholic.

Granger hopes to continue writing reports on particle physics, as he particularly enjoys meeting Brian Cox. But if science does finally prove too much for him, his editor has offered him an easier role reporting on European socio-economics.

“That veto thing looks like a doddle to write about”, admitted Granger. “Most of the experts are just bluffing their way through it.”

“No-one knows for sure how fast a two-speed Europe might go, but a lot of people are still looking for Nick Clegg.”

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