Simon Cowell shocked morons everywhere last night by dramatically securing his eighth successive victory in ITV’s X Factor.
The victory has come as a shock to millions of people who appear to have no idea what they are watching, and who for some unfathomable reason seemed to think victory belonged to a girl band called ‘Little Mix’.
Cowell told reporters after the win, “This is just like winning the lottery. Again. For the eighth year running.”
“People said it was impossible to win again, but then I pointed them to a format I completely own, and my record company who own all of the acts, and then they have to admit it looks a lot like ‘winning’.”
Cowell wins X Factor
Experts have said that this yet again illustrates Cowell’s incredible natural gift for extracting money from simpletons.
Music industry analyst Simon Williams told us, “He’s like a force of nature, and fully deserves this eighth successive win.”
“Never before have we seen anyone so incredibly talented when it comes to turning feeble-minded into cash.”
“To be honest, I don’t see how anyone will ever beat him.”