Thursday 8 December 2011 by Waylandsmithy

First private ‘stalker clinic’ to be sponsored by News International


A new, heavily overlooked clinic specifically designed to treat stalkers has been built by News International.

Cameron hailed the new ‘P.I’ initiative and thinks it will be a success, judging by the number of messages of heavy -breathing support left on his voicemail.

Reported stalking cases have seen a dramatic rise recently, particularly since the start of the Leveson enquiry.

James Murdoch opened the facility in person, but later denied having any involvement.

Doctor Gillian Hamill believes her clinic can encourage stalkers to swap their interest for more wholesome careers, such as writing horoscopes or reporting on actual news stories.

“Technology has been blamed for an increase in stalking, it’s much easier these days to access someone’s voicemail. But in a way, it’s also society’s fault, people are all too willing to turn a blind eye to the crime, especially if they find out something juicy about a footballer.”

“There’s been a lot of research in this area. An awful lot of papers have been written on the subject, they always seem to sell very well. But not all of the research is credible, and at least one of the publications has since been withdrawn.”

Stalker clinic

The clinic is surprisingly small, but it does have massive windows.

Most of the treatment ‘workshops’ are performed by professional counsellors in empty rooms, but Dr Hamill is sure the patients are paying attention, wherever they are.

“Running a clinic for stalkers really saves on admin, we don’t need to post up timetables or fill in a register to make sure our patients are attending regularly.”

“In fact a lot of the time, we’re treating more people than we think.”

Dr Hamill hopes that eventually, the stalkers can be fitted with bells round their necks and returned to live in the community.

“Stalking can be very upsetting for the victims, and the public really enjoy hearing just how upsetting it is.”

“By identifying stalkers, we hope they can be rehabilitated and eventually give something back to society, perhaps in a reveal-all autobiography, or some candid pictures of a celebrity we love to hate.”

“But we have to be careful to protect the patients, they’re in danger of being stalked by desperate wannabes themselves.”

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