Parents and teachers alike have criticised school inspectors for their ‘sometimes baffling’ use of the English language after a new report on standards in education was handed in late and riddled with errors.
“The report makes no sense”, claimed Geraldine Myers, the Headmaster of St. Titchmarsh Comprehensive in Margate.
“They suggest that schools which are given the same ‘satisfactory’ rating year after year should be regraded as ‘Inconsistent’.”
“I’ve crossed the whole thing out with a big, red marker, and told them to look up ‘inconsistent’ in the dictionary.”
“They also claim that a ‘satisfactory’ rating is somehow unsatisfactory. If you ask me, they’ve not put much thought into this.”
Myers believes that the latest report was probably started on the back of the school bus and finished in the cloakroom, just before the bell went.
“A lot of this report has been padded out with pictures.”
“There’s a scribbled ‘failing’ school, where all the kids are wearing flat caps under their hoodies, next to a picture of a ‘good’ school, where the pupils have iPhones and tickets to X-Factor.”
“If you ask me, they’ve made most of it up and resorted to lazy stereotypes. But I’m not sure they could do better.”
Parents have complained that there are too many reports about school standards, and that they aren’t sure which ones to listen to.
“You really have to do your homework to find out if your local school is up to scratch”, said Mary Bradford, a member of the PTA at St. Titchmarsh.
“We want all future reports to be graded, so we can chuck the ones that aren’t doing very well on the scrapheap.”
“But there’s no point in being mean, a lot of these report writers are doing their best. That’s why we’re recommending a scale of ‘Great’, ‘Really Great’ or ‘Fantastic’.”
Bradford stressed the importance of grading the quality of reports about a school’s performance.
“No matter how many pages there are in one of these publications, we want them to feel like they’ve done well. Even the thick ones.”
“We can give them all very similar scores so that no-one feels left out, but we’ll know that only the top grades count for anything. Thank God no-one’s thought of applying this model to GCSEs.”