Despite further revelations of sexual abuse against young boys in Ireland, the Catholic church today insisted it was still pretty sure that making grown men commit to celibacy was almost certainly still a good idea.
The latest report on the Catholic Church in Ireland showed there were further allegations against 85 priests across the doiceses.
A spokesperson for the Catholic church said, “Although this is not good news, I don’t see how you can possibly link the unnatural suppression of sexual desires to the unnatural expression of sexual desires?”
“Are you suggesting that making sex a sin forces people to look for a sexual outlet that they can try and hide amongst the young people over whom they have a great deal of influence?”
“I think that’s a quite ridiculous leap to make, if you don’t mind me saying.”
“The Catholic Churches stance on this is very simple – if you don’t think about sex it just goes away.”
Catholic priest allegations
Human beings with hormones have reacted with surprise at the continued stance of the church.
Human woman Sarah Williams told us, “Is this because Mary was a virgin? Becuase I’ve got to admit, I find that story a little dodgy.”
“Had she been born a couple of thousand years later she’d have been a star on the Jeremy Kyle show, definitely.”
Human man Simon Matthews said, “I think celibacy is a really bad idea, I remember my girlfriend made me stay celibate for a week when she went away with work once, and by the Friday I was dry humping the sofa.”
“Maybe they should try letting priests have sex, but only on weekends?”