Thursday 1 December 2011 by Waylandsmithy

Warning to consumers that coffee shop smugness ‘varies significantly’


The level of smugness found in high street coffee shops varies considerably, a report revealed today.

The amount of smug radiating from several shops was six times the recommended limit, which when exceeded can cause staff to be punched in the face.

Experts are demanding clearer labelling on coffee menus, with a simplified version available for people who just fancy a quick brew.

“I find their mumbo-jumbo very intimidating”, admitted Julie Watson, a customer in the Watford branch of Costest Coffee.

“I never know whether to order a triple mock-americans or the square root of a double skinny Later with Jools Holland.”

“I think I like mine white with two sugars, but I just don’t have the confidence to ask for that.”

Varying coffee shop smugness uncovered

Consumers have been issued with guidelines to help them avoid the smuggest coffee shops.

Professor Wittard, an expert in Thermos-dynamics, suggests people take a flask with them, when visiting unfamiliar town centres.

“As a minimum, avoid any establishment with scatter cushions”, declared Wittard. “And don’t get sucked into asking what syrups they offer, they’ll only roll their eyes at you.”

“If you’re prone to irritation try ordering a fruit juice, they haven’t come up with stupid names for those yet, but it’s a different story for smoothies.”

“At the end of the day, we all know they’re just yoghurt and milk, but that hasn’t stopped Starbucks naming them in Latin.”

Wittard thinks that actively seeking out fried food could help lower blood pressure.

“Look for a café, preferably one that includes the owner’s first name”, he advised.

“The traditional ‘greasy spoon’ only sells tea or coffee, and they don’t offer them in 23 different sizes.”

“A lot of people say bacon butties are bad for you, but they’re nowhere near as upsetting as being forced to pronounce a prosciutto and arrabiata pannini.”

“If you must use a coffee shop, only attempt to engage with the staff if you’re feeling very calm.”

“I really don’t recommend fighting with more than two baristas a week, even the small ones can be pretty strong.”

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