Friday 25 November 2011 by Waylandsmithy

Fears grow that young mums may have missed something to worry about


A report by a team of child experts has warned that young mums might have missed one or more of their earlier reports, which could mean they’re not worrying enough.

The report, produced by the Daily Express’s team of scientists, highlights the dangers to children growing up in a home with too few neuroses.

The report concludes that feelings of guilt ought to be higher amongst working mums, but recommends a string of further stories slagging them off, just to make sure.

Sally Hopkirk, mother to 3 year-old Billy and expecting a second child in April, found the report particularly disturbing.

“I’ve been so concerned that I’m not worrying enough about my unborn baby, I’ve completely neglected to beat myself up about Billy’s family environment. I feel so guilty about it, but I’m not sure if I feel guilty enough.”

Sally has reacted to reports on a daily basis to make sure she gives her young family the best chances in life.

“The nursery has just been repainted with a fresh coat of Omega-3, and I feed Billy in Mandarin Chinese. I have to wax both the cats and the hamster to reduce the risks of developing allergies, and I’ve registered my lounge as a paediatric clinic to make a home birth statistically safer.”

Concern for mums

Despite waking up in a cold sweat every night, Sally is still worried that she isn’t fretting about the health and prospects of her children quite as much as she could do.

“I really want them to do well at school, I encourage Billy to play games such as ‘revising for finals’ and ‘My First Scholarship Application’.”

“And I encourage him to put his toys on the naughty step, if they miss a promising investment opportunity.”

But Sally is worried that her children might turn out to be of only average ability.

She already blames herself for Billy’s future stuck in a job with no prospects, a crippling mortgage and a tendency to suffer from a flaky scalp.

“I’ve tried discussing my concerns with my husband, but he just turns the volume up on his Jeremy Clarkson DVDs, or buries himself in an old copy of ‘Nuts’ magazine”, she sighed.

“He really is a complete moron.”

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