Thursday 24 November 2011 by Gary Stanton

Pardoned thanksgiving turkey should face death penalty, insist Republicans


Turkey given a pardon by Obama

The thanksgiving turkey pardoned by President Obama yesterday should face death by lethal injection after looking at the president’s daughter Malia in the wrong way, republican hard-liners claimed last night.

Despite the tradition which dates back to the 1989, republicans say the decision to pardon the suspected-homosexual turkey is further evidence that the Democrat administration has gone soft on sexually-deviant oven-ready poultry.

However, while the beleaguered president joked that the pardon was something he could do without the approval of an obstructive Congress, unhinged republican leadership challenger Rick Perry insisted, “Oh no you fucking can’t “.

Meanwhile, rival fruitcake Michele Bachmann claimed the turkey’s feathers represented moral weakness and that it would encourage citizens to pursue a masturbatory agenda even after its neck had been wrung.

Pardoned Turkey

Republicans are as divided as ever over the preferred method of execution.

Herman Cain wants to promote death by shoving his hand up inside it, whereas Senator Mitt Romney favours basting and a slow roast at Gas Mark 8 ( 230 degrees centigrade ) to keep the bird moist.

Mr Obama added, “The turkey’s name is Liberty, and along with his understudy named Awesome Destruction he has the distinction of being the luckiest bird on the face of the earth, if you don’t include that Amanda Holden.”

This morning a bullish Obama announced he would press congress to include turkeys and other game such as chickens, grouse, woodcock and ptarmigan in the electoral register, admitting that he could really use the votes.

Obama added, “They say turkeys don’t vote for Christmas, but I’m gonna make sure as hell these two suckers vote for me.”

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