UK broadband speeds drop by an average of 35% from their off-peak highs as soon as men can be sure their spouse is sleeping soundly, according to a report today.
The slot between midnight and 1am was found to be the slowest time to be online, the report concluded, as during this hour the internet was creaking under a heavy burden of filth.
Broadband experts suggested the best time to be online was between 2am and 3am as by that time most people will have finished themselves off and are sat hunched up in the spare room in a fit of self-loathing.
The survey found that speeds decrease significantly towards the ‘wanking hour’ with men preparing the groundwork for a masturbatory marathon by pretending they want to download a BBC4 documentary on renaissance art on the BBC iPlayer.
Martin Jansen of the Internet Surveillance Body E-snoop said, “Between 12pm and 1am you might be lucky enough to experience a brief performance surge as swathes of men quickly go offline after hearing that a partner has got up to use the toilet.”
However Jansen urged UK men to adopt the system of phased onanism as already employed in most of continental Europe.
“The idea is that people in London and the South East are already wiping their keyboards clean before those in the Midlands have had a chance to apply the baby oil,” he said.
“Meanwhile, men in the North are still suggesting that their wives look really tired and would probably benefit from an early night. You see where I’m going with this?”
Jansen added, “Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s an excellent Stephen Fry documentary on Wagner that I’ve yet to download.”