Tuesday 15 November 2011 by Formelia Alberthine

Drug seizure figures reclassified as ‘controlled substances’ after widespread Home Office abuse


Drug seizure figures issued by the UK Border Agency are to become ‘controlled substances’ after widespread abuse amongst Home Office officials, according to the chair of the UK Statistics Authority.

Sir Michael Scholar has written to the Home Office to seek reassurances that figures released to generate positive news coverage are subject to the same controls as the illicit substances the department seeks to control.

There are fears that these figures could be abused by Home Office officials, and even be ‘cut’ with dirtier numbers before hitting the streets for public consumption.

Sir Michael told reporters, “There is absolutely no doubt that staff at the UK Border Agency have been intoxicating themselves into oblivion with highly selective data relating to drugs seizure figures.”

“In the latest batch of figures we seized they claimed they themselves had seized more heroin between April and September this year than they had for the whole of last year – which is patently untrue.”

“We therefore call upon the government to reclassify the drug seizure figures accordingly, to prevent their exploitation by the morally corrupt.”

Drug seizure figures ‘exploited’

He went on, “For example any figures that indicate an increase in drug yield in the same year that budgets at the UK Border agency are slashed as part of George Osborne’s austerity measures should be classified Class A, and treated accordingly.’

“And I don’t mean sniffed off a toilet cistern through a rolled up fifty pound note.”

Home Official spokesman, Hilary Spout, insisted the Home Office was totally in control of the figures and could stop using them any time they wanted and they could always get help for substance abuse problems if needed.

“Look, we don’t need these figures, it’s just a bit of fun, right? We could stop right now if we wanted to, but it’s not like we’re hurting anyone.”

“Well, yes, apart from all the people we give them to.”

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