Monday 14 November 2011

Nuclear warheads to protect Olympic village, claims Hammond


Defence Secretary Philip Hammond this afternoon confirmed that the Olympic games in London next summer will be protected from terrorist attack by a series of strategically placed nuclear devices.

In his first appearance at Defence Questions since taking over from Liam Fox, Hammond told MPs that the use of nuclear weapons in London would be a last resort in the face of a terrorist threat.

“We are prepared for every eventuality, and I want to make it clear that we would only destroy everything in and around London when all other options had been exhausted.”

“And if detonation of a nuclear device is what’s required to prevent a terrorist unleashing a weapon of mass destruction, then rest assured that we are prepared to make that tough decision.”

Opening ceremony ticket holder Sharon James was delighted at the announcement, telling us, “If I’m going to be vapourised in an instant, I sure as hell want it to be at the hands of my own government, not because of some Johnny Foreigner on the look out for some after-life poontang.”

Olympic Security

Meanwhile the FBI have criticised the security plans for the games, and insisted that European nuclear weapons are far less reliable than the American bombs they produce.

A spokesperson told reporters, “America makes the best nuclear weapons in the world, you only have to look at our track record to see that.”

“If nukes have to be used to prevent terrorists taking the lives of American athletes next summer, then we want American devices to be part of that.”

“Remember, no-one does over-the-top military response quite like us, no matter what Philip Hammond tries to tell you.”

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