Monday 14 November 2011

John Lewis advert unites nation in agreeing there’s not a single fucking kid really like that


As John Lewis launched its Christmas advertising campaign by featuring a cute child with nothing but altruism in his heart, the entire nation was quick to point out that there’s a not a single bloody child alive today displaying those personality characteristics.

The advert, which shows a child impatient for Christmas Day, but only because he wants to give his parents a present, has been criticised by anyone who has ever had contact with an actual child.

Television owner Kathy Morris told us, “I guarantee that this ad concept was dreamt up by a twenty two year-old marketing executive with about as much experience of children as they have of getting a proper job.”

“When it comes to Christmas Day, children are like crack addicts, and you are merely something in the way of them getting what they need.”

“It’s false advertising. People watching that are probably going to think, ‘Ahh, I’d quite like to have a kid like that, let’s make a baby!’ – and then they’ve invariable let themselves in for eighteen years of sullen disappointment.”

“And whose fault is that? Yes, it’s John fucking Lewis.”

John Lewis Ad

Child behaviourologist David Walton-Smythe told us that although the featured child is acting in an entirely unnatural manner, the scenario in the advert could actually happen in the real world.

“I’m not saying you can’t get a child to behave that way, it’s just that it could take years of beatings to instill such a Pavolvian response each and every morning when they wake up.”

“Even then you wouldn’t know what was in the box. My guess is some dead animal he found in the garden.”

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