Tuesday 8 November 2011

Lloyds TSB profits hit by cost of acting like shits


Lloyds Banking Group has reported a £3.9bn loss for the first nine months of 2011, mainly due to the cost of settling claims for continually treating you like a piece of shit simpleton.

The loss compares to a £2bn profit for the same period last year when it was still consistently getting away with being a shit to customers looking for loans.

City analyst David Singleton-Smythe told us, “I’m sure they will announce some sort of cost cutting measures to address the loss, but perhaps it would simply be easier to stop acting like dicks to everyone who walks through their front door?”

“Yes, it would require a significant root and branch culture change across the entire organisation, but wouldn’t it be nice to visit a bank without the fear of waking up in a bathtub of ice with tubes where your kidneys used to be?”

“It might take a while, maybe even a couple of generations, but it would be worth it.”

LTSB announce loss

Lloyds TSB said that the cost of settling claims for being shits had been covered in the first half of the year, and that as long as no-one discovers any of the other ways they’ve been exploiting customers then the economic outlook is bright.

A spokesperson for the bank said, “We still have a large number of organic interest-generating units within our grasp, and we’re confident that our profit extraction programmes will take full effect by the end of the year.”

“Then we can all go back to being blissfully happy. Right?”

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