Thursday 3 November 2011

So what sort of prison sentence does semen theft carry, asks everyone


After the Daily Mail’s Liz Jones outed herself as a secret jizz-thief, law abiding citizens everywhere started wondering what sort of prison she should be sent to.

Jones told her readers that she spent much of her late thirties and early forties hoarding stolen man-fat in the vain hope she could get some of it to stick to her probably alien uterus.

Non-mentalist Simon Matthews told us, “They keep sperm in a bank, so I suppose you could argue she’s a bank robber, right? I know that’s pretty serious.”

“It’s twenty-five to life, I think. Though if I were the CPS I’d accept any deal that saw her inside for more than ten years.”

Liz Jones spunk mugger

Legal experts have insisted that Jones’ blatant admission of her past as a secret ejactulate pilferer leave her with little in the way of a plausible defence.

As one lawyer explained, “We’ve known for years that Liz Jones is a despicable human being, but now she’s actually admitting breaking the law here. Probably.”

“You have to realise that Liz Jones secretly attempting to impregnate herself with your seed is much like any other attempted crime, like murder.”

“Except if she’d succeeded in spawning then death would definitely have been a better option for you.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader)

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