Wednesday 2 November 2011 by Gary Stanton

Occupy protesters urged to leave or face Christian Rock festival


Occupy LSX protesters have been urged to call off their demo or face having their shabby tent-zone turned into a full-on Christian Rock festival, it has emerged.

Religious leaders, in a quandary as to the best way to remove anti-capitalist campers from the cathedral grounds, are planning a marathon 24-hour faith-based extravaganza featuring established bands such as Mercy Me, The Third Day and the slightly controversial 4Him.

The City of London Corporation has also given its full backing to the event which will encourage diehard Marxists to ‘pack up their tents and fuck off home’ or be exposed to an onslaught of ‘acoustic-based no-holds barred Christianity’.

In contrast to festivals such as Glastonbury and Reading where people have a good time, the St Paul’s gig entitled ‘PraiseLSX’, promises to foster an atmosphere of tolerance and understanding where ‘godless communists and the public alike can mingle in an environment free of satanic minor chords’.

Occupy St Paul’s festival

Chief among the attractions is likely to be the ‘Wonders Tent’ where the children of atheists angered by the bankers’ profligacy can experience fire-breathers, jugglers and the latest theories on Intelligent Design.

A ‘Draw the Best Dinosaur’ competition is to be offset by a five-hour lecture with a prize to the child who can find the biggest flaw in the fossil record.

As for refreshments, secular-minded vegetarians used to eating overpriced cous-cous are set to be less than impressed by plans for a stall offering the chance to rejoice in the flesh of a sacrificial lamb for £5.99 (chips optional).

And anarchists who have worked up a serious thirst will be offered the chance to ‘chill’ with moderate amounts of weak alcohol while getting ripped to the tits on the greatest drug of all.

Last night, however, fears were growing of a potential flashpoint between the demonstrators and some of the main acts who are booked to appear.

Anders Rekkuvik, front-man with 4Him, has promised to play tracks from the band’s uncompromising anti-abortion soft-rock classic ‘The Clinic’.

A spokesman for St Paul’s, meanwhile, pleaded for understanding on behalf of those from Occupy who wish to stay and torture themselves.

Quoting indirectly from the Gospel of John , Dr. Michael Wilcox said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first bottle of piss.”

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