Wednesday 2 November 2011

‘I bet you were an August baby’ to become most popular insult


After a study showed that summer-born children were at an academic and professional disadvantage throughout their lives, people everywhere were introduced to a whole new world of potential insults.

The study showed they were three-times more likely to be ‘below average’ academically, and 20% less likely to piss away their loan at a top university.

October-born Simon Williams told us, “I knew it, my mate Dave is a proper dipshit, and he was born on August 15th. What more proof do we need?”

“He only got two GCSEs, and professionally he struggles by working as a stock broker for some hedge fund in the city.”

Researchers said the findings were the result of children entering the academic cycle less physically developed than their peers, before being asked by everyone if there was an embarrassing medical term we could use for these people.

“It doesn’t have to sound medical,” asked one reporter, “Something like ‘Augidiot‘, or maybe ‘Summoron‘.”

Summer babies

The findings have already led to a number of new creative insults in workplaces across the country.

Williams went on, “I quite like the idea of, ‘I bet it stayed light until after ten during all your birthday parties’. I bet that would sting a bit.”

“Or how about, ‘Man, your parents must have had successful intercourse some time during November.’ That’s a doozy, right?”

Lead researcher Debbie Crawford told us, “Monday’s child might well be fully of grace, and you can only hope that this is actually the case, because if it was one of the Monday’s in August they’re going to be thick as pig shit.”

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