Monday 31 October 2011 by Formelia Alberthine

Chinese secret services welcome BT’s accelerated rollout of high-speed broadband


The Chinese government has welcomed BT’s accelerated rollout of high-speed fibre across the UK, insisting it currently takes them far too long to download sensitive secrets over the country’s current infrastructure.

Prime Minister of the People’s Republic, Wen Jiabao, commended the telecoms giant offer to install “super-fast” internet speeds to two-thirds of UK premises by the end of 2014, recommending they start immediately with the MI5 building in Vauxhall.

He told reporters, “This is a significant day for both us and BT.”

“Two economic giants, married in their goal to place the British people at the very top of their list of things to exploit within an inch of their lives.”

“BT have not only furthered their own questionable interests in offering a service to the UK where they can ratchet up their prices, they have served the Chinese people by providing us with a high-speed infrastructure ensuring we can strip the country of its secrets in a matter of minutes, rather than the hours it currently takes.”

Broadband roll-out

Intelligence agency GCHQ spokesman, Charlton Tramp, claimed that the organisation has deep reservations about BT’s plans, and accused them of placing the UK’s most sensitive data in serious jeopardy.

“We have several instances of sensitive data on government computers being targeted by IP addresses from China, along with defence, technology and engineering firms’ designs.”

“Can’t we just get back to the good old days of leaving a A4 folder full of our plans on the 9.12 from Maidstone?”

“At least then they have it type it up.”

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