Thursday 27 October 2011 by Gary Stanton

Seven billion people ‘not a problem’ if Eamonn Holmes stops eating, claim experts


Planet Earth has enough resources to feed everyone if Eamonn Holmes stops shovelling food into his mouth, it emerged today.

The seven billionth person is likely to arrive some time next Wednesday evening – just as the Daytime presenter tucks into a KFC Family Bargain Bucket with extra refried beans and a side order of chicken wings.

But as global population is forecast to exceed ten billion by 2050, leading to inevitable food shortages , experts are urging Holmes to cut down on treats, including the star’s Saturday morning Ikea Breakfast Express Meat Ball Banquet and ‘Snickers Sundays’.

Eco-journalist George Monbiot said ‘The problem is not the number of people. Ten billion people would fit inside the Rhyl SunCentre if you shot them all and laid them out head to toe like sardines.”

“It is the lack of willingness on the part of politicians to fit Holmes with a gastric band.”

“As the population curve rises or falls back, the circumference of Mr Holmes’ band could be reduced or increased proportionally to allow limited gorging when possible.”

7 billions mouths to feed

Dr Raj Persaud of the Royal College of Surgeons said, “The procedure only lasts a few minutes and could be done prior to his morning stint on Daytime while the corpulent presenter sits in make-up.”

Last night the star, who isn’t getting any thinner, angrily hit back saying surgery was not an option and that a lack of compulsory sterilisations in the developing world was behind his local Chinese restaurant’s decision not to extend an ‘all you can eat for a fiver’ banquet’ to friday nights.

Meanwhile, David Salmon, General Manager of Holmes’ local branch of Domino’s Pizza said the store will mark the birth of the seven bilionth person by not answering the phone when Holmes’ number flashes up on the screen.

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