Workers who don’t spend their entire working day using their tongue to ensure the cleanliness of their boss’s anus should lose their right to claim unfair dismissal, a leaked government report says.
The report, which was written by a man who wants to see an end to an employee’s right to claim unfair dismissal, and that was commissioned by a man who wants to see an end to an employee’s right to claim unfair dismissal, concluded that employees should no longer have the right to claim unfair dismissal.
The author of the report, Adrian Beecroft, a venture capitalist and Conservative Party donor, insisted that current laws restricted his ability to sack someone even in extreme cases where he’d played a bad round of golf or an employee had forgotten to put sugar in his latte.
The report insists that the first major issue for British enterprise is “the terrible impact of the current unfair dismissal rules on an employer’s ego”.
“Sometimes an employer can go a whole hour without someone telling them that their jokes are hilarious or that the way they did that thing was brilliant.”
“The current laws are restrictive to an employers need to feel massively superior to everyone they employ,” it went on to warn.
Unfair dismissal unfair
Chancellor George Osborne recently announced new measures aimed at allowing employers to extend the length of time they can treat employees like shit by an additional 12 months.
However, Mr Beecroft’s report goes further, “Increasing it to two years is a start, but after that two year period has elapsed we would start to see a sharp decline in brown-nosing.”
“The only way to keep up the required levels of sycophancy is to completely remove an employees job security.”