Wednesday 26 October 2011 by Formelia Alberthine

England one-day team to be rebranded England half-day team


England coach Andy Flower has insisted his side become known as England’s half-day team, following the side’s 5-0 series whitewash defeat at the hands of an Indian side intent on playing for the whole day.

The Zimbabwean conceded the squad was potentially bringing the one-day game into disrepute, after the fifth game in a row where either the batting or bowling line-up offered as much resistance as Group 4 prison driver.

“I’m sure there will be one or two people out there wondering how the England one-day team can justifiably claim to be so when they so abjectly fail to deliver for a full days worth of cricket,” Flower told reporters.

“Rightly so, because you can bet your bottom dollar that if the batting line up performs admirably, the bowling department will handsomely fail to take the wickets needed to secure victory.”

“Conversely, if our bowlers send the opposition back to the pavilion with their tails between their legs, our batsmen will be even more eager to get themselves back in the dressing room as quickly as is feasibly possible.”

England collapse again

Flower went on, “So it is fully expected that a cricket loving nation like the English would seek changes to be made in how preparations for the one-day game are managed, when for fifty per cent of the time the players might as well be on their back trying to fellate themselves.”

ECB spokesman, Walter Trump, said moves were afoot to address the unacceptably poor displays from England on the sub-continent.

“We need to recruit far more Asians than we have been doing.”

“They thrive in those type of, er, well, Asian conditions.”

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