Tuesday 25 October 2011 by Waylandsmithy

St. Paul’s Cathedral issues prophets warning


Concerned money lenders have downgraded the Church of England’s credit rating, after St. Paul’s Cathedral announced it was losing ‘up to £20k a day’, with the monumental losses blamed on ‘in -tents competition’.

“In the past, the church has occupied the moral high-ground. But for the past week, we’ve had to share that pitch with a load of anti-capitalist camping enthusiasts”, complained the Dean of St. Pauls.

“Initially we welcomed them. They told us they were interested in greed and the exploitation of the vulnerable, areas that hold a great deal of interest to the church.”

“But we’ve since found out that they’re against both these issues, and that’s why we’ve fallen out with them.”

“Not only are they cluttering up the gardens, they’re also protesting about large organisations that make a fortune out of poor people and fritter it on ornate, showy architecture.”

St Paul’s occupied

The Dean climbed to the top of St. Paul’s dome and standing astride the 850 ton lantern that marks the pinnacle, asked the protesters to ‘bugger off’.

“These activists are completely out of touch”, claimed the Dean. “How are we meant to have a meaningful debate about gay marriage or women vicars, when this lot keep banging on about poverty and hunger?”

“It’s exactly this sort of unsavoury nonsense that puts visitors off our café. Agnes has hardly shifted a cream tea all weekend. she’s taken to throwing stale cakes at the campers outside and she’s quite happy to cast the first scone.”

The church has denied that its loss of market share can be attributed to a lack of respect for their customers.

“The doors of St. Paul’s are open to anyone that can stump up the £14.50 entrance fee”, said the Dean, defensively.

“We’ve been watching the protest with some interest and we think we can see how to attract new blood to our cause. Michael Eavis has already agreed to manage next year’s harvest festival.”

The Dean is delighted with the new manager and his ability to drum up interest in tired old acts.

“He’s already using his contacts to help us deal with our current problem. If the threat of Bono turning up doesn’t empty the campsite, nothing will.”

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