Tuesday 25 October 2011 by Waylandsmithy

Anarchists welcome Westminster’s new ‘protester lanes’


Anarchists across Britain’s capital have welcomed the introduction of new ‘protester lanes’ which fit neatly between existing bus lanes and the marginalised, implemented to cope with a huge increase in protest marches.

“With so many protests happening every day, London faced the real prospect of ongoing gridlock”, explained London Mayor Boris Johnson.

“But these new lanes have really sped things up. I caught an anti-globalisation protest outside my house at 8.15 this morning, and was in the office by 9 sharp. Some of these radical movements are faster than taxis.”

However the trial lanes have had their share of problems, as Johnson explained. “For some reason, anarchists do not take instructions very well. We keep telling them they have to give way to the right, but only the English Defence League has taken any notice so far.”

Protester lanes

Avoiding clashes isn’t the only challenge, as Johnson admitted. “The clearway through the Blackwall tunnel is a disaster. A group of environmentalists noticed the Thames was above them, and they whipped out their little tents and started singing about rising sea levels.”

“The Progressive Unionist Party have been stuck in the queue for 3 days now – they’re thinking of performing a U-turn.”

Police are broadly in favour of the scheme. “They’re getting a lot of use, most activists are keen to tread a new path”, enthused Inspector Wrensford.

“We can keep an eye on them from our control room and spot any groups that have broken down. Then we can use our automated bollards to create a diversion, or kettle the protesters remotely. You could say we’ve reclaimed the streets.”

Some minority groups have complained that making a separate lane for protesters has caused other traffic to slow down.

“Anarchists take ages to choose which way to go at crossroads”, admitted Johnson. “There has been an increase in some journey times. Once we’ve opened the high-speed, gold-plated monorail between Canary Wharf and Surrey, I think the bankers will be a lot happier.”

“OccupyLSX can camp under it as much as they like, but the motivation for most of our policies goes straight over their heads.”

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