Friday 21 October 2011

Matt Cardle to launch range of tin foil hats


After admitting during an interview that he is a 9/11 conspiracy theorist and believes George Bush was behind the terrorist plot, Matt Cardle has achieved the impossible in making society think even less of an X Factor contestant.

Cardle managed to explain his theory seconds before a scrum of music industry PR executives removed him from the scene as if he had been the subject of a presidential assassination attempt.

“The US government did it, I’m pretty sure of that,” Cardle told reporters before anyone from Simon Cowell’s PR machine had any chance to realise what was happening.

“It was probably the lizard people controlling the President’s brain that made him do it, and they’ve obviously also gone round wiping the memories of all the people who would have had to be involved. Otherwise we’d have had a whistle-blower by now, wouldn’t we?”

“Also, did you know the pyramids are actually spaceships and the moon landing was filmed in Doncaster?”

Matt Cardle’s 9/11 conspiracy

Cardle’s admission also saw him explain why he only ever gave relaxed performances on X Factor when he was wearing his trademark hat.

He told Metro, “People thought my hat-wearing on X Factor was a fashion statement, but it wasn’t – it’s actually lined with tin-foil to prevent my brain being manipulated by the lizard people.”

“When I wear it they have no idea what I’m thinking, unless I sit right here and say it out loud and you write it down and then put it in a newspaper.”

“Wibble.”

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