Wednesday 19 October 2011 by Waylandsmithy

Pompous twats choose book that makes them look better than you


The prestigious Man Booker prize was awarded to an impenetrable book last night, in a direct snub to claims that some shortlisted novels had been ‘readable’.

“After much deliberation, we’ve chosen a book that perfectly reflects our superior intellect and social standing”, announced Eleanor Tunstall, a member of the judging panel.

“With every other page written in Latin, the title in Sanskrit and the final chapter requiring an original Enigma Machine to decode it, the plebs just won’t know what’s hit them.”

There had been hopes that this could be Andy McNab’s year, after his hugely popular tale of exterminating no fewer than four indigenous Afghan tribes topped the best seller list for eight months.

But it was the very popularity of McNab’s novel that was its downfall. “We’re not here to recognise success. Quite the opposite”, said Tunstall.

“If a book can be understood by more than 2% of the population, it’s automatically dropped from the list.”

Booke prize winner

The Booker winner this year won’t be available in normal bookshops, as Tunstall explained.

“In the past, winning titles have seen a boost in sales, which rather dilutes the feeling of superiority when reading a first edition in public.”

“That’s why this year’s winner is only available from university libraries, and a handful of Nepalese and Tibetan bookshops.”

The author of the winning novel reignited the debate about ‘e-readers’, claiming that the traditionally bound book was essential to the future of literature.

“There’s a lot of resistance to e-books, because the proles can’t tell what you’re reading”, he explained.

“That’s why my hardback edition comes with a dustsheet for your Kindle, to make train journeys that little bit more smug.”

Some reviewers have criticised this year’s winner for being too short. “150 pages just isn’t intimidating enough”, complained Henry Fairsley, a book critic for The Independent and member of the judging panel.

“We might limit next year’s shortlist to books with a minimum of 1,000 pages. And we should only consider entries that include a sleeve for the iPad.”

“You should always judge a man by his book cover.”

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