Monday 17 October 2011 by Waylandsmithy

Consumers reassured by promise ‘energy bills will only rise every other day’


Britain’s gas and electricity users raised a glass to the energy suppliers today, buoyed by the news that prices would only rise every other day.

“We have a duty of care to our customers”, announced Francois DuChamps of the energy giant EDF.

“For this reason, we pledge to maintain the current tariffs for at least 48 hours, and we will never raise them during our two-hour lunch breaks.”

Consumers celebrated the news in elaborate style. Brian Jones of Margate immediately charged his iPhone and laptop in preparation for the long winter ahead, and added Eon to his list of friends on Facebook.

“This is terrific news”, said Brian. “We need some support from the energy market, and there’s nothing more supportive than a continually tightening noose.”

“I’m going to celebrate by turning the brightness up on the telly for an evening, I might even ‘fire up the ol’ kettle’.”

Energy Prices

Energy bills have soared 30% in the last 6 months, pushing many Britons into ‘fuel poverty’, but charity Help the Aged is delighted with the bi-daily price promise.

“Seeing a 30% jump in prices can be really upsetting to elderly customers, a series of 2% rises announced every other day is much more soothing.”

“It’s important for the old dears to have a bit of routine. A lot of them are confused enough, what with the weekly visits from repo men.”

But a handful of consumers claim the price increases are unjustified.

Caroline Trenchard chooses to pay a little more to her energy supplier, so she can tell all her colleagues it’s from renewable resources.

“Most of my neighbours have their electricity generated by gas or coal, but Eon supply my sockets from windmills.”

“As I’ve told Jane next door on many, many occasions, I don’t mind paying a bit more for the future of her children.”

“But now the selfish cow has been cut off, her carbon footprint is smaller than mine. The situation is completely unsustainable.”

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