Friday 14 October 2011

Energy suppliers urged to come up with something good this time


After profit margins soared amongst privatised energy suppliers, Ofgem has encouraged them to come up with something better than ‘wholesale prices’ this time.

With most firms now making £125 in profit per customer per year, some have suggested that we could keep warm this winter simply by burning energy supplier executives.

“Sure, it’s not particularly green, but it’s recycling at it’s best. We’d take the dregs of human society and use them to keep energy bills low for old people. It’s got to be worth exploring, right?”

Creative teams across all energy suppliers are working around the clock to come up with plausible reasons for such a dramatic improvement in profitability in such times of austerity that don’t make them seem like profiteering shits.

An industry insider told us, “It’s brainstorming, and so there are no bad ideas at this stage, but our whiteboard currently includes the phrases ‘it’s because Jesus likes Gas’ and ‘We were visited by the electricity fairy’.”

Energy firms profits

Energy regulator Ofgem has been encouraged to maybe think about doing something about the increased profits being made when household bills are at an all-time high, and says it will take the suggestion under advisement.

A spokesperson for the regulator said, “But they’re so much bigger than us, are you really going to make me go over there and start a fight with them?”

Energy consumer Michelle Davis told us, “You know what I’d like to see? Just once the headline, ‘Energy firm withdraws shareholder dividends after realising energy is a public necessity and not a consumer choice’.”

“But I won’t hold my breath.”

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