The government has announced that scientists working on its national obesity strategy have uncovered a direct link between the stuff that you put in your mouth and the stuff that magically appears on your arse.
The new finding is expected to lead to a raft of new government recommendations, including the monitoring of the fists-full of processed garbage you regularly force into the hole in your face.
Health secretary Andrew Lansley said, “The obesity crisis is one of the major health issues facing this country, but finally we have some firm evidence on which to base our policies moving forward.”
“Like most people, we has assumed the alleged link between calories consumed, calories expended and overall weight was something of an old wive’s tale – well let me tell you it isn’t.”
“We will be issuing a simple formula to help people understand these complex findings, but we’re hoping the basic principles will be easy enough for even Katie Price fans to comprehend.
Obesity linked to food
Local councils are to be encouraged to bring in new initiatives to help people become more aware of the things going into their mouths.
As one researcher explained, “We know how easy it is to accidentally eat a cake, or some doughnuts, or a couple of bars of chocolate – so we want to raise awareness so that these accidental ‘consumption incidents’ can be reduced.”
“We would like to ask people to check what’s in their mouths at regular intervals during the day. If the answer is ‘don’t know’ or ‘something delicious’, it’s probably best to spit it out.”