Monday 10 October 2011 by Gary Stanton

Men not yet ready to switch the heating on, finds survey


Heating not on yet

Men everywhere are still not convinced that it’s the right time for the heating go on yet, an influential survey has found.

In what appears to be the first major standoff of the Autumn season, women last night began noticing a distinct chill in the air, and yet refused point blank to put another jumper on.

Tim Stanley, of Dulwich, is sympathetic to his wife’s position but maintains that the boiler was making some strange noises last time round and that it’s probably wise to get it checked out beforehand.

“Sometime around mid-December,” Tim reckons.

“Before the Christmas rush,” he added.

By having the heating on this early Ipswich-bred Brian Harvey says you may as well “go upstairs, take five £20 notes out of the drawer and set fire to them because that is what you are effectively doing”.

Harvey claims he has right on his side, insisting, “It’s like handing a victory to the energy companies who are already feeding on the frostbitten corpses of the elderly,” before adding, “The trouble with these windows is they let the heat out.”

Meanwhile, Nigel Wilson, of Stockport, was keen to remind everyone that he grew up in a house with no heating and that his partner and former lodger Sheila really should get things into perspective.

“Besides, it’s actually warmer if you stand in the kitchen,” he said, helpfully.

Sheila, however, was keen to point out that she is very much her own woman and doesn’t need the permission of a ‘bloody tight-arsed miser thank you very much’, even if it meant Nigel upping her rent.

And in a sign that some men appear to be ready to make some concessions, Paul Crombie, a man clearly with more money than sense walked towards the large double-bay window of his lounge, scraped some ice crystals off its surface with his fingernail and nodded to himself thoughtfully.

Turning to his wife Pauline who was watching X Factor wrapped in a large double blanket, Crombie conceded.

“Chilly in here, isn’t it love? Let’s have the heating on a bit shall we?”

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